We have told you not to stare at the Sun today. We have told you to use safety glasses. We have tried so very hard, and we are so very tired. L. A. Times entertainment news from Hollywood including event coverage, celebrity gossip and deals. View photo galleries, read TV and movie reviews and more. Issuu is a digital publishing platform that makes it simple to publish magazines, catalogs, newspapers, books, and more online. Easily share your publications and get. Why Your Team Sucks 2. Houston Texans. Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Update 8517 725pm ET Googles new Vice President of Diversity, Integrity Governance Danielle Brown has issued her own memo to Google employees in response to. Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the. See episodes of your favorite MTV Shows. The Wonder Years Season 4 Episode 7. Watch the latest Music Videos from your favorite music artists. Get uptodate Celebrity and Music News. Before we begin, a letter Daniel Im a lifelong Houston resident. Even failed to escape this city for college. I have been through the ringer the last few days, but luckily did not get flooded out. I have many friends and family that are not as lucky. Showtime Full The Next Race: The Remote Viewings Online Free' title='Showtime Full The Next Race: The Remote Viewings Online Free' />The mental and emotional toll has been exhausting. Imagine huddling in a closet with your wife, 2 year old, and six week old baby repeatedly due to tornado warnings, hoping that if one did hit you wouldnt be trapped under rubble while the floodwaters drowned you and everyone you loved. The reason Im writing about this is because on probably our 4th or 5th trip to the safety closet, I had a strange thought DREW BETTER NOT PULL ANY PUNCHES ON THE WYTS FOR THE TEXANS Do not edit ONE SINGLE FUCKING WORD I look forward to this every single year, and all I want to do right now is sit on the shitter for 1. Texans are and all the ways this city that I love so much sucks. You got it, Daniel. We spent a lot of time figuring out how to do this preview given current events please donate if you can, and decided the best way to honor a city full of tough, resilient people is to remind them how shitty the Texans are. If you guys can survive David Carr, you can survive anything. So lets proceed. This ones for you, Houston. Your team Houston Texans. I know I belabor it every year, but God that nickname every time I hear Houston Texans, the dumber it sounds. Why even HAVE a football team if youre gonna name it that, huhHey, we got a football team back What do we name it Eh, lets just name it the Texans. Whatever. Who gives a fuck. And they arent even the first NFL team to be named the Texans I cant get over it. This is worse than when David Duchovny named his kid Kyd. Your 2. 01. 6 record 9 7. The Texans won the NFLs jayvee division for the second straight year while having a 4. Everything good that happened to them happened due to spiritual forfeit by the opposition. Stay the fuck out of my playoffs forever, Texans. Id rather have the Bengals back in the postseason than watch you monkeyfart your way into the divisional round with a leper at quarterback. By the way, the Texans were favored on the road against the Pats last season because the Pats were down to their third string QB. The Texans lost that game 2. And yet. LOL, sure they do kiddo. Sure they do. Your coach Offensive guru and angry dad Bill OBrien. Imagine Bill OBrien smiling. Or dancing. Or laughing. Imagine him expressing any semblance of mirth. YOU CANT. Every last trace of happiness within that man disappeared into his chinbutt. This man has been gifted De. Andre Hopkins and other fine skill position players and still cant manage to coach a QB worth a shit. And yet hes by far the most capable man in Texans upper management. Remember when they were rumors about the team firing OBrien or maybe even trading him That was odd. Your quarterback The immortal Tom Savage. I am ready to be the guy. Oh, I bet you are. Yes, the Texans are gonna go through the whole charade of playing a vanilla ice cream cone for a few games before finally relenting and letting stud rookie Deshaun Watson do his thing. Frankly, Id buy into Watson as a future Pro Bowler if he played for pretty much any other team. But the Texans Theyre QB poison. The best QB in team history is Matt Schaub, for shits sake. If Watson really did get outplayed by Savage in camp, thats not a great sign. Of course, the whole reason the Texans find themselves with yet another stiff manning the offense for them is because they had to give up a second rounder just to be rid of the LAST stiff, whom they wildly overpaid Keep in mind that the GM who brought in Brock Osweiler is still there, despite the fact that Osweiler played horribly, feuded with the coaching staff, got heckled with a laser pointer, saw his benching greeted with cheers, cost them a valuable pick, set records for futility, and may not even make it out of Browns training camp without getting his ass cut. The contract Rick Smith gave Osweiler will still take up 1. By the time Watson is ready to play, the rest of this roster will be decimated. Will this cost Smith his job Was team owner and villain on The O. C. Bob Mc. Nair appropriately angry about Osweilers failure last yearNow we have three good quarterbacks and we are proud of all of them. What an idiot. Whats new that sucks Folks, after being overly aggressive in his rehab and missing virtually all of last season, I have astonishing news JJ Watt may, in fact, be BETTER THAN EVER. There you have it Straight from the Ministry of Wow and the Secretary of Heavens To Betsy JJ is gonna sack MORE QBs and then get up and act even MORE like Peter Greene when he puts on The Mask for the first time. Well, I am skeptical. This team doesnt even have Vince Wilfork around anymore he retired via charcoal ad to tie up blockers. TALK ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF JEEZ ALOO Maybe someday Jadeveon Clowney and JJ Watt will actually be healthy at the same time for more than two games. You will never get me to watch this team voluntarily. Elsewhere, you can already see the Texans beginning to fall apart. Duane Brown is still holding out. Their other offensive tackle pulled a Wendell Davis and tore up both knees on a single play last year. Defensive backs Quintin Demps and A. J. Bouye are gone. Lamar Miller is still aggressively average. Will Fuller shattered his collarbone. They havent had a decent tight end since Owen Daniels. I swear to god if the other pud teams in this division cant find a way to overtake these bozos, I will personally poke them all in the eyes. James Harden ate shit in the playoffs and got 2. What has always sucked Hurricanes. Go here to learn more about how and where you can help the people of Houston. Normally, this is the part where we goof on the NFL teams city as a whole. But yeah, I think well go ahead and skip doing that for Houston this year. I will tell you that in the original draft of this post written way before the storm, we had a joke about how Houston was nothing but mattress stores. Well lo and behold Mattress Mack is nothing to fuck with, America. We love you, Houston. Did you know Watt also started his own flood relief fund. You can donate here. Also, the Texans stadium is open to flood victims and is looking for volunteers. Good people all around. What might not suck I wont lie. I have very much enjoyed the dragging of Joel Osteen. Look at his phony, Jimmy Swaggart ass on TV this morning, looking like vampire Ned Flanders Fuck him with a church spire. HEAR IT FROM TEXANS FANS Grant I think the Texans have made me happy less than five times in my life. Taylor Texans 2. AFC South teams 5 1 Texans 2. NFL teams 4 6. MR The team name is still fucking stupid. Grant Our best off season move was getting rid of Brock Osweiler, the dickhead we guaranteed 3. Texans not even 1. We paid 2. 1m to a QB that Cleveland wants to cut but cant but still just might. Jesus. David D. J. Reader does not believe in fucking dinosaurs. Derek We are the team that everyone forgets exists. Jake They fucked up so badly on Brock Osweiler that they had to do that NBA trade thing where they deal their draft picks just to get out from under a heinous contract. In this metaphor, Brock is Timofey Mozgov. Raj The saddest part of being a Texans fan isnt that our best QB ever is Matt Schaub. Its that our second best is either the five years of David Carr or the one year stretches of either Ryan Fitzpatrick or Brian Hoyer. Stacy Our greatest win in Franchise history was our very first game, when we beat the Cowboys 1. Quincy Carters cocaine habit.